College Thoughts - The Ann Rand Years...

Sometime in the Spring of 1995 (with constant revision and addition)

Green

Guys, girls, rapt in amazement,
Reading ancient minds.
Ever elusive
Ever inconclusive.
No religion, theory, ideal can save the riddled individual.

- B. M. Adams

I am green. Constantly confused by my thoughts and actions, I search for the answers to my inconsistency through the written thoughts composed by the thinkers of both the modern and ancient world. Never finding the answers to my specific questions, never deriving conclusions, only developing useful equations for situations who’s results may or may not assist me in the quest for the answer to my personal riddle. It is true, no religion, theory, or idea can save the riddled individual. Only conclusions drawn from private, pensive contemplation and knowledge gained from experimental scenarios can satisfy the question of the self.
To know one’s self is true confidence, which is defined by acting consistently in accordance to that knowledge. (somewhat circular reasoning) To be straight forward and consistent is to know your goals at all times and to strive to reach them, in a manner dictated by your principles, with every thought, word and, most importantly, every action. There is no place in this world for the thoughtless observer. However, observation is crucial when integrated with your goals, through your thoughts, defined as the “experimental scenario.” Now I come to the root of my problem. What are my goals…What are my principles?
Conversation is useful only to share thoughts with others or to entertain. Everything said must have meaning and must be thought about before being shared. Everyone has a goal and a method of reaching that goal, and both must be examined instantly in a conversation in order to properly express your own thoughts while edging closer to your goal, without sacrificing principle.
The individual dictates morality, to a large extent. My code of values dictates my morality; those values exist for increased happiness and the general betterment of my life. This betterment of life itself is my reason for morality, that is, my morality exists so that my life has meaning. A society without morality is self-destructive.
Some people spend all of their lives looking for that one thing that will make them ultimately happy. You’ve met those people; i.e. Mr. Wingate. Their lives are spent searching and experiencing the world. With every new experience there comes a new awareness, responsibility, and perception of greatness. Until one day, they decide that they’ve seen it all or had enough, and withdraw into their most comfortable and favorite environment (ideally). Perhaps not. Maybe they get stuck living the last part of their lives wishing they were in a place of the past, or wishing they spent more time in a particular situation. Or maybe they go on looking until they day they lay down and die. Whichever path they take, they spend the large majority of their lives accumulating knowledge and experience.
Other people spend all of their lives under the direction of a predetermined goal, never questioning its legitimacy. The lifer at Longfibre. I won't lie; these people are floaters. They float through life bouncing off of other people's lives and reacting instead of acting. I must never be a floater. I spent my teenage existence floating and up until sophomore year I still questioned myself. Should I be at the Naval Academy right now? Why can’t I organize my thoughts as I’m speaking in front of people? Why have I begun stuttering? Above all else, I should be able to communicate effectively in order to achieve my goals in the simplest and most straightforward manner. This is a principle. Greatness (both in the eyes of yourself and of others) cannot be achieved without being able to communicate your interests to others.
Nobody wants to hear someone else’s sob and no one wants to follow a self-doubting person. Was it Thoreau who said "life is about arriving at the precise point from which you started and knowing the place for the first time"? Just be the man you (and others) once thought you were, only know the reasons why. That is the difference. Confidence shows. The difference between confidence and bravado is knowledge and understanding.
On the subject of understanding the impact of my European adventure; perhaps the trip to Europe opened my eyes to so many things that I had never previously thought about that it threw my self confidence and world paradigm for a nasty loop. I could only regain these things after either a total assessment of the scope of the realizations of the trip (impossible), or a slow incorporation of them over a long period of time. I know now that this enormous self-realization had been coming for a long time. Although I had shifted to a very principle centered life, I had no goals through which to implement those principles. As my long and short-term goals continue to develop, so do I. However, I cannot ever forget the things that I learned. They will come around and contribute to my future. But to try to incorporate them into myself immediately is too much, not to mention very confusing and frustrating. I just need to incorporate the little things for a total enjoyment of the beauty that I’ve experienced. Conclusions must be drawn. Above all else, do what I want to do because I want to do it. I’m weird enough that others will be interested and will love to share my experiences with me. Avoid getting hung up on flaky people. These are the floaters or people with very dissimilar values. Either someone gets it, or they do not, or they are trying to get it. But to waste my time and energy and grief on someone who doesn’t get it is a ridiculous proposition.